- Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall
- You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame
- The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message “Fuck it, I give up”
- You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files
- Your eldest team member references Martin Fowler as a ’snot-nosed punk’
- Your source code control system is a series of folders on a shared drive
- Allocated QA time is for Q and A why your crap is broken
- All of your requirements are written on a used cocktail napkin
- You start considering a new job so you don’t have to maintain the application you are building
- The lead web developer thinks the X in XHTML means ‘extreme’
- Ever iteration meeting starts with “Do you want the good news or the bad news…”
- Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level
- Progress is now measured by the number of fixed bugs and not completed features
- Continuous Integration is getting new employees to read the employee handbook
- You are friends with the janitor
- The SCRUM master doesn’t really care what you did yesterday or what you will do today
- Every milestone ends in a dead sprint
- Your best developer only has his A+ Certification
- You do not understand the acronyms DRY, YAGNI, or KISS; but you do understand WTF, PHB, and FUBAR
- Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file
- The only certification your software process has is ISO 9001/2000
- Your manager thinks ‘Metrics’ is a type of protein drink
- Every bug is prioritized as Critical
- Every feature is prioritized as Trivial
- Project estimates magically match the budget
- Developers use the excuse of ’self documenting code’ for no comments
- Your favorite software pattern is God Object
- You still believe compiling is a form of testing
- Developers still use Notepad as an IDE
- Your manager wastes 7 hours a week asking for progress reports (true story)
- You do not have your own machine and you are not doing pair programming
- Team Rule - No meetings until 10 AM since we were all here until 2 AM
- Your team believes ORM is a ‘fad’
- Your team believes the transition from VB6 to VB.NET will be ’seamless’
- Your manager thinks MS Project is the best management tool the market offers
- Your spouse only gets to see you on a webcam
- None of your unit tests have asserts in them
- FrontPage is your web page editor of choice
- You get into flame wars if { should be on new line, but you are impartial to patterns such as MVC
- The company motto is ‘Do more with less’
- The phrase ‘It works on my machine’ is heard more than once a day
- The last conference your .NET team attended was Apple WWDC 2000
- Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions
- All debugging occurs on the live server
- Your manager does not know how to check email
- Your manager thinks being SOX compliant means not working on baseball nights
- The company hires Senetor Ted Stevens to give your project kick-off inspiration speech
- The last book you read - Visual InterDev 6 Bible
- The overall budget is mistaken for your weekly Mountain Dew bill
- Your manager spends his lunch hour crying in his car (another true story)
- Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product
- Your boss expects you to spend the next 2 days creating a purchase request for a $50 component
- The sales team decreased your estimates because they believe you can work faster
- Requirement - Rank #1 on Google
- Everyday you work until Midnight, everyday your boss leaves at 4:30
- Your manager loves to say “Why do the developers care? They get paid by the hour.”
- The night shift at Starbucks knows you by name
- Management can not understand why anyone needs more than a single monitor
- Your development team only uses source control as a power failure backup system
- Developers are not responsible for any testing
- The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic
- Your white boards are mostly white (VersionOne)
- The client continually mistakes your burn-down chart for a burn-up chart
- The project code name is renamed to ‘The Death March’
- Now it physically pains you to say the word - Yes
- Your teammates don’t refactor, they refuctor
- To reward you for all of your overtime your boss purchases a new coffee maker
- Your project budget is entered in the company ledger as ‘Corporate Overhead’
- You secretly outsource pieces of the project so you can blog at work
- A Change Control Board is created and your product isn’t even its first alpha version
- Daily you consider breaking your fingers for the short term disability check
- The deadline has been renamed a ‘milestone’…just like the last ‘milestone’
- Your project managers ‘open door’ policy only applies between 5:01 PM - 7:59 AM
- Your boss argues “Why buy it when we can built it!”
- You bring beer to the office during your 2nd shift
- The project manager is spotted consulting a Ouija board
- You give misinformation to your teammates so you look better on your personal review
- All code reviews are scheduled a week before product launch
- Budget for testing exists as “if we have time”
- The client will only talk about the requirements after they receive a fixed estimation
- The boss does not find the humor in Dilbert
- You start noticing your boss’s poker tells during planning poker
- You start wondering if working 2 shifts at Pizza Hut is a better career alternative
- All performance issues are resolved by getting larger machines
- The project has been demoted to being released as a permanent ‘Beta’ version
- Your car is towed from the office parking lot as it was thought to be abandoned
- The project manager likes to doodle during requirements gathering meetings
- You are using MOSS 2007
- Your SCRUM team consists of 1
- Your timesheet looks like a Powerball ticket
- The web developer thinks being 508 means looking good in her Levi Red Tabs
- You think you need Multiple Personality Disorder medication because you are Mort, Elvis, and Einstein
- Your manager substitutes professional consultant advice for a Magic 8 Ball
- You know exactly how many compile warnings cause an ‘Out of Memory’ exception in your IDE
- I have used IDE twice in this list and you still don’t know what it stands for
- You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF
- Broken unit tests are deleted because they are obviously out of date
- You are sent to a conference to learn, but you skip sessions to go hunting for swag
- QA has nicknamed you Chief Off-By-One
- You have been 90% complete 90% of the time
- “Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too… thanks”
Extract - 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
2008.07.21. 21:25 takacsot
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